Readings for
Sundays in November
Saints and Commemorations in November
Justine introduces herself to our readers:-
December/Christmas
Service Dates for your Diary
Thank you,
thank you, thank you
Daily prayer
topics in November
St Patricks
Hospital starts to rise
Dedication of
new church building
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Tue |
1 |
PCC meeting. The Centre |
8.00 pm |
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Wed |
2 |
St Marys Guild meets. A Literary Afternoon with Tea All Souls Day. Sung Eucharist |
2.30 pm 7.30 pm |
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Tue |
3 |
MU&OG. My Journey to the Royal Marsden with Alison Bowden |
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SUN |
6 |
THIRD BEFORE ADVENT Note: Evensong today will be at the earlier time of 5.30 pm |
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Thu |
10 |
MU Service of Peace and Reconciliation. All welcome |
7.30 pm |
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SUN |
13 |
SECOND BEFORE ADVENT (Remembrance Sunday) Baptisms |
11.30 am |
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Tue |
15 |
Friends of Beddington & Grange Parks meet at The Grange Bible Discussion Group meets at 14 Nairn Court |
7.30 pm 8.00 pm |
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Wed |
16 |
MU Corporate Eucharist at St Michaels |
10.00 am |
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Thu |
17 |
MU&OG. Christmas Arrangements with Ashley Louise |
8.00 pm |
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Sat |
19 |
Wild West Night with Families. All Welcome. The Centre |
5.30 to 8.30 pm |
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SUN |
20 |
CHRIST THE KING |
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SUN |
27 |
ADVENT SUNDAY Advent Carol Service |
6.30 pm |
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Tue |
29 |
Bible Discussion Group meets at 24 St Georges Road |
8.00 pm |
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Wed |
30 |
St Andrew |
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Sunday 6 November
Third before
Advent
Amos 5: 18-24, Page 426
1 Thessalonians 4: 13-18, Page 427
Matthew 25: 1-13, Page 428
Sunday 13 November
Second before Advent
(Remembrance Sunday)
Zephaniah 1: 7, 12-18, Page 430
1 Thessalonians 5: 1-11, Page 433
Matthew 25: 14-30, Page 434
Sunday 20 November
Christ the King
Ezekiel 34: 11-16, 20-24, Page 435
Ephesians 1: 15-23, Page 438
Matthew 25: 31-46, Page 438
Sunday 27 November
Advent Sunday
Isaiah 64: 1-9, Page 441
1 Corinthians 3: 9, Page 442
Mark 13: 24-37, Page 443
Every Sunday we pray for people living and working in two or three roads in the parish.
The roads in November will be:
Sunday 6 November
Ladymount
Lytton Gardens
Evelyn Way
Sunday 13 November
Ferrers Avenue
Greenleaf Avenue
Sunday 20 November
Dell Close
Desmesne Road
Sunday 27 November
Raleigh Avenue
Wed 2 Commemoration of the Faithful Departed
Thu 3 Richard Hooker, priest, Anglican Apologist, Teacher, 1600
Mon 7 Willibrord of York, Bishop, Apostle of Frisia, 739
Tue 8 The Saints and Martyrs of
Wed 9 Margery Kemp, Mystic, c1440
Thu 10 Leo the Great, Bishop of Rome, Teacher, 461
Fri 11 Martin, Bishop of Tours, c397
Mon 14 Samuel Seabury, First Anglican Bishop in North America, 1796
Wed 16 Margaret,
Thu 17 Hugh, Bishop of Lincoln, 1200
Fri 18 Elizabeth of Hungary, Princess of Thuringia, Philanthropist, 1231
Sat 19 Hilda, Abbess of Whitby, 680
Tue 22 Cecilia, Martyr at Rome, c100
Wed 23 Clement, Bishop of Rome, Martyr, c100
Fri 25 Catherine of Alexandria, Martyr, 4th century
Wed 30 ANDREW THE APOSTLE
Sunday 6 November 8.00 am Ven Dennis Ede
3rd before Advent 9.30 am Ven Dennis Ede
Sunday 13 November 8.00 am Ven Dennis Ede
2nd before Advent 9.30 am Ven Dennis Ede
11.30 am Ven Dennis Ede (Baptisms)
Sunday 20 November 8.00 am Rev Andrew Roland
Christ the King 9.30 am Ven Kenneth Gibbons
Sunday 27 November 8.00 am Canon Andrew Wilson
Advent Sunday 9.30 am Ven Kenneth Gibbons
The panel to select St Marys forty-fifth Rector since 1294 met on 25 September - too late for its decision to meet the copy deadline for the October magazine.
The five-person panel comprised three very good friends of
St Marys: the Patron, Penny Nairne; the Bishop of
Croydon, Nick Baines; the Archdeacon of Croydon, Tony Davies, and the Parishs
two elected representatives,
With Bishop Nick as Chairman, the panel interviewed three short-listed applicants. The questions and answers were friendly and thoughtful - aimed to discern both who would be the right person for St Marys and whether the applicants themselves felt that Beddington would be the right place for them. The panel was unanimous in its findings and delighted that the Revd Justine Middlemiss accepted the offer of this living.
The announcement was made on Sunday, 2 October - simultaneously at Sts and at St Margarets, Lee, where Justine is Curate. Justine will be making several informal visits to the parish - opportunities to get to know a few people at a time, before she and her husband, Guy, move in - and before Justines formal licensing service which Bishop Nick will conduct at the end of January
I was born in Ayr in the south west of Scotland where I grew up and was
educated until the age of 18. I went to Aston University in Birmingham where I
gained a BSc in Managerial and Administrative Studies, which I put into
practice first of all with Esso Petroleum in
Leatherhead and the London International Financial Futures and Options Exchange
(LIFFE) in the City.
While working at LIFFE, I grew to recognise my vocation to ordination.
At this time I was a member of Holy Cross Church in Motspur
Park, where I was an active lay member of the congregation. After selection for
ordination training, I attended Ripon College, Cuddesdon,
where as well as following the academic programme required for ordination, I
was a student governor, a member of the May Ball committee and regular member
of the college choir. Placements I undertook while at college included hospital
chaplaincy at the John Radcliffe and Churchill
Hospitals and a period working at St Georges, Camberwell.
Since ordination, I have been based at St Margaret, Lee, in the south
east of the Diocese. As well as being fully involved in the worship and
pastoral ministry of the parish, I have had a particular responsibility for
ministry among the younger families within the congregation and wider
community, including the organisation of a summer holiday club and work as a
governor of Northbrook Church of England Secondary School. I have also been
closely involved with visiting a wide cross-section of members of the parish.
I enjoy music, particularly singing, and it was through this that I met
my husband, Guy. Together we have been involved in many amateur operatic productions,
and I have also sung with some London based choirs. I also enjoy reading and
cooking, the latter offset by far too rare visits to the gym!
Guy works as a librarian at the BBC and is also a talented pianist and
musical director. He has taken part in many amateur performances, and is
increasingly performing solo recitals.
We are both looking forward enthusiastically to living and working with
the congregation and parish of St Marys and to meeting everyone in the new year.
Justine Middlemiss
In the meantime, while we are very much looking forward to having Justine and Guy here, Justine is still a busy Curate at St Margarets, Lee. We continue to pray for her as she prepares for the move to Beddington and also for the people of St Margarets as they prepare for the changes which her leaving Lee will bring to their parish life.
Pat Kingsbury
If you want to check out all 44 previous Rectors, the notice board under the tower lists them all since 1294 - and before - some of them with names now familiar to us as names of local roads: Lytton, Carew, Ferrers, Hamilton, Bridges, Bond - to name but some.
Judging from the comments I received about my article in the May magazine, people were actually interested in what ringing is all about. You all contributed so generously to the restoration of our bells, that I think you are entitled to know what its all about. Not only is there an alien vocabulary (ask any of our new recruits!) but the ringing world is a whole different way of life.
Ringing is teamwork. There is no room for soloists - except when ringing the Sanctus Bell! We rely on each other very much, which is probably why ringers are good at organising things. It relies on people being there and playing their part to fit in with everyone else. At this point, though, I have to say we dont play - we ring.
We take our ringing seriously and strive to produce the best we can on Sundays. But ringing is a social activity and its something you can go to do anywhere in the country (or even the world!) and be made welcome. We go to other towers practice nights, for experience or to help out; we go on Outings, where we can ring in towers in a different area.. Other churchs bells sound and feel different from ours. There are several reasons for this. New bells sound different from old ones; some bells are much heavier or lighter than ours and some have very odd tuning!
The heaviest bell in the tower is called the Tenor and the lightest, the Treble. The weight of the Tenor determines the weight of the whole ring. Our Tenor weighs 18 cwt, which, for a ring of 10, is quite light. The heaviest ring of 10 in the world is in Wells Cathedral, where the Tenor weighs just over 56 cwt. At Wilton church, Taunton, the ring of 10 has a Tenor weighing only 8 cwt, so you can see that the weight would have a bearing on the sound.
There are over 5,000 towers with bells in Britain. I have rung all over the country (as well as Ireland, America and Australia) and everywhere has something interesting about it. In last months magazine, I drew attention to some fairly unusual saints names which have been used for church dedications. I have rung at many towers with extraordinary dedications but I think my favourite is St Winwallow at Landewednack in Cornwall. Anyone know who he was? Ill find you some more another month.
Ill finish this time with some more maths for you to consider. I explained how changes were worked out - every row is different from starting in Rounds and finishing in Rounds - and how the extent is calculated, ie. on four it is 4 x 3 x 2 x 1 = 24. However, following what I gave you last time, there is a little puzzle. I wrote - 1234, 2143, 2413, 4231, 4321, 3412, 3142, 1324, 1234 which fulfils the conditions I gave; every row is different; each bell has only moved one step at a time and it starts and finishes in Rounds. But - thats only eight different changes, so how do we get 24? For those who like a challenge, Ill give you a clue and you can work it out for yourself. (For those who dont - Ill tell you next time!)
Clue: Look back at the figures Ive given you and write them in a column. Then instead of following 1324 with 1234, put 1342, followed by 3124, 3214, 2341 etc. and apply the rules until you get 1234 again. It should only take a few minutes. Draw a line through the path of bell no. 4 and you will have constructed a method. You can give me your answers on a postcard - or whatever - and if you get it right, you can be a ringer!!
See you in the tower!
While we cannot be sure exactly what they were used for in medieval times, labyrinths were clearly a symbol of the Christian way, representing the journey of the soul through life. It is thought that medieval pilgrims re-enacted this theme both in pilgrimages to holy sites and, when travel to these places was not possible as was the case with Jerusalem when the city fell to the Muslims, the following of the path of the labyrinth in a cathedral on their knees as a means of prayer and a symbol of the journey to the holy site. Pilgrims might also have used the labyrinth as a ritual walk to mark the end of a pilgrimage. People walked the labyrinth on the eve of their baptism or confirmation, as an aid to contemplative prayer during Holy Week and as an illustration both of the life of the Christian and of the life of Christ. After the medieval age and over time labyrinths fell into disuse, many being destroyed between the 17th and 19th centuries, and their spiritual uses were forgotten.
In recent years the use of labyrinths as a Christian spiritual tool has been rediscovered and most modern labyrinths are based on the Chartres pattern, although they are often adapted to suit circumstances. The most notable modern labyrinths are in Grace Cathedral San Francisco, which through the work of Dr Lauren Artress has pioneered the rediscovery of the labyrinth. The use of the labyrinth has spread from America to Australia, New Zealand and the UK.
Like a
The walk has three stages:
The Inward Journey
Purgation. Releasing. A time to open the heart and quiet the mind, for letting go of things which hinder our wholeness and inner approach to God.
The Centre
Illumination. Receiving. A space for meditative prayer and peace which should not be hurried.
The Outward Journey
For me the West Malling Labyrinth offered a longed for
opportunity, made all the more valuable because it was experienced as part of a
I hope that the community at West Malling will be able to maintain theirs as it certainly added a very special spirituality to the quiet day.
It is tempting to contemplate the possibility of visiting Chartres (is it too far for a parish journey?), or suggesting to Sutton council that Beddington might benefit from its own labyrinth - could be an interesting potential future project for the Friends of Beddington & Grange Parks!
The vine at St Marys Court produced enough fruit this year to make 24lbs of grape jelly. This must have been very sweet and tasty because by the time the editorial panel heard about it, it was all gone. We have, however, appreciated seeing the large leaves from this same plant often amongst the greenery in flower arrangements in church.
The St Marys Court grapes are black, and this bumper crop may be an indication of a longer and warmer summer of 2005 than we had realised. Many of the vines grown outdoors in this part of the world tend to be the white grape varieties, because the black ones need a longer ripening season and more warmth. St Marys Court evidently has just the right sheltered, sunny, south facing situation.
Grape vines, though needing quite a lot of care here, grow wild in the temperate parts of Western Asia and Southern Europe, as your correspondent saw on a recent short break. Picking and eating sweet, juicy, black grapes was a great bonus for us one hot day when we stopped for a breather on a long walk in the mountains - and the bonus for our Turkish mountain guide was to learn a new English word, which he joyfully put to immediate use .. scrumping, of course!
Pat Kingsbury
PS Dictionary addicts among our readers may point out that the word scrump really comes from an origin meaning withered apple - never mind, the principle is the same.
3 December Christmas Fair - 11.30 am - 3.30 pm
11 December Families Christmas Party - details to follow.
11 December Christingle & Toy Service 4.00 pm
18 December Service of Nine Readings and Carols 6.30 pm
24 December Family Carol and Crib Service 6.00 pm
24 December Midnight Mass of Christmas 11.30 pm
25 December Said Eucharist with carols at 9.30 am (note slightly later time than in previous years)
9 October Ethan John Albert Towers
23 October Phoebe Verity Ferguson
17 October Ann Hodges, aged 72 years.
Jackie Egerton had chosen four poems for the group of ten to think about and discuss.We started with Charlotte O'Neil's Song by Fiona Farrell, about a domestic servant from Surrey who sailed away from a life of drudgery to a new life, probably in Australia.Poems by Edmund Blunden (TheSkaters) and William Wordsworth (from The Prelude)very different feelings about the experience of skating.
The last poem we looked at, An Elementary Classroom in aSlum by Stephen Spender was the most difficult, but with
Jackie's guidance and prompting weable to appreciate
something of the plight of the children whose only contact with the world of
nature was through books.were all hesitant at first
about expressing opinions, but found that any contribution was welcomed and
helped to shed some light on the poem.
Many thanks to Jackie for a stimulating and enjoyable evening.She hopes to arrange anotherthe Spring, and would welcome suggestions for poets or topics to be considered.
Betty Walker
Dr John Sentamu legally became
Archbishop of York at a ceremony in St Mary-le-bow, Cheapside
in October. Dr Sentamu gave the Oath of Allegiance to
the
After the ceremony, Dr Sentamu said: The Christian gospel has the power to transform peoples lives, and to transform our nation. We in the Church need to play our part in communicating that gospel in both words and actions, and to speak out and work for justice. Together, [we] can help people of all kinds to respond to Gods invitation in Jesus Christ.
Dr Sentamu will be enthroned as Archbishop of York in York Minster on Wednesday, 30 November
extract from Church Times article by Helen Saxbee
Venues:
15 November - 14 Nairn Court
29 November - 24 St Georges Road
Continuing our journey through the Gospel of Jesus Christ, with St Matthew, in Chapter 3 we learnt how our Lord dealt with temptation in the wilderness and how we too can deal with our own temptations. The question was asked, How did Matthew know what happened in the wilderness, since Jesus was alone? Jesus could have told the disciples about his experience in the desert as a result of a comment by one of the disciples. It could have happened like this:
Disciple: Its alright for you Lord, youre not tempted like we are.
Jesus: Really! Let me tell you just how badly I was tempted after Id been without food for 40 days. Firstly, I was tempted to doubt that I really was the Son of God, and to prove that I was by turning the stones into bread so that I could feed myself. Secondly, I was tempted to do something spectacular like jumping off the pinnacle of the temple and landing without harm, so that everyone would believe that I was the Son of God. Lastly, I was tempted to go after power and world domination so that everything would be brought under my control. But this would have been doing things Satans way and not the way of my Father in Heaven.
Disciple: How did you manage to resist these temptations?
Jesus: I brought to mind the scriptures Id learnt: Firstly, Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that God says. (Deuteronomy 8:3).
Secondly: You shall not put the Lord your God to the test. (Deuteronomy 6:16). Lastly, You shall worship the Lord your God and serve him only. (Deuteronomy 6:13)
Disciple: How did you get out of the wilderness, by that time you would have been too weak to walk?
Jesus: The angels provided me with food and water and when I was revived I came out to begin my ministry.
Matthew says that angels attended him, and if we read 1 Kings 19:1-9 we learn in what way the angels might have attended Jesus. When Elijah the prophet was hungry and exhausted the angels brought him food and water for three days until he had sufficient strength to go on.
Using our imagination and putting ourselves into the story helps to deepen our understanding and our relationship with our Lord.
Alleluia! On we go.
Jenifer Davison
Over 3000 people took part in this years walk, including Linda and James Wood from St Marys. Being part of the Thames Festival there was plenty for them to see both on and off the river during their ten-mile walk.
The day before the walk had seen the spectacular recreation of Lord Nelsons waterborne funeral procession and some of the craft used in that event were still moored at St Katharines dock along with some wonderful modern speed machines. There were also a number of Thames barges with their big brown sales at various points near Tower Bridge. Along the river sidewalk were various stalls, performance areas and items of interest, including some fascinating sand sculpture on an improvised beach near the Festival Hall.
Linda and James had a very interesting day and were disappointed that Chris and Oliver Thompson were unable to join them, but remembered them and Emma (and the imminent new arrival, Findley) with candles in Southwark Cathedral.
Linda and James would like to thank all who sponsored them for their support in raising, after Gift Aid is calculated, about 780 for The Childrens Society and to congratulate Emma, Chris and Oliver on the birth of Findley who arrived, they estimate, at about the time that they were lighting candles for them. Linda and James will be walking again next year and look forward to being joined by Emma, Chris, Oliver, Findley and anyone else who would like to enjoy an exhilarating walk along Londons fascinating river.
God made
Adam bit
Noah arked
Abraham split
Joseph ruled
Jacob fooled
Bush talked
Moses balked
Pharaoh plagued
People walked
Sea divided
Tablets guided
Promise landed
Saul freaked
David peaked
Prophets warned
Jesus born
God walked
Love talked
Anger crucified
Hope died
Love rose
Spirit flamed
Word spread
God remained.
Enormous thanks to everyone who helped make the Harvest Celebration with an African Theme on 24 September the great success it was - especially to Babs, without whom there would have been no Drum Band (what fun that was - literally dancing in the aisles!); to Maud and to Chris without whom there would have been no authentic African food; and to Mary without whom there would have been no speaker. Everyones generosity around this event will make it possible for us to send a substantial donation of 200 to our linked diocese in Zimbabwe.
Thank you to the singers, readers and pianists who delighted us on 15 October with their programme of comic and serious pieces about all forms of transport. Their amazing talents (some previously hidden) were greatly appreciated by the audience as we travelled on train, boat, plane, bus, the underground, sympathised with the Trials of a Tourist and took off with the Rocket Man. Was John Masefields Cargoes obligatory learning for several decades of schoolchildren? Many mouths were observed silently reciting the words along with the readers. The evening added 236 to the Church Fund coffers. Excellent.
A Present from Churches Together in
Wallington & Beddington
CHRISTMAS DAY LUNCH
To be held this year at
St Michaels, Milton Road, Wallington
LIMITED NUMBERS
Book your place now
Dont be disappointed
Transport available
To book a place, arrange transport, or for more information ring
Christine on 020 8395 2872 or Frances on 020 8647 268
Tue 1 Our PCC meeting tonight
Wed 2 All the faithful departed
Thu 3 All who sacrifice themselves in the service of others
Fri 4 All who are being persecuted for their faith
Sat 5 A safe and happy Firework Night
Sun 6 That we may be prepared for the Second Coming of our Lord
Mon 7 The men and women of the armed forces in
Tue 8 The Saints and Martyrs of
Wed 9 All who have lost their homes and livelihoods
Thu 10 Peace and reconciliation
Fri 11 An increase in faith in God and in each other
Sat 12 Our families, friends and neighbours
Sun 13 All who have given their lives in service of their country
Mon 14 The people
of
Tue 15 The government and all in authority
Wed 16 Our local clergy fraternity
Thu 17
Fri 18 The people
of
Sat 19 St Hildas Priory, Whitby
Sun 20 Thanksgiving for Christs rule in our hearts
Mon 21 Our local prisons, inmates, wardens and chaplains
Tue 22 All musicians, composers and conductors
Wed 23 Prisoners of conscience
Thu 24 Amnesty International
Fri 25 All Christian churches in Egypt
Sat 26 Those unable to go out because of illness or infirmities
Sun 27 That we may be watchful and faithful as we await the second
coming of our Lord
Mon 28 That Gods Kingdom may come on earth
Tue 29 Prayer and thanksgiving for the missionary work of the church
Wed 30 Bishop Sebastian in Manicaland, Bishop Wilson in Matabeleland,
Bishop Ishmael in
Reports from the Diocese of Central Zimbabwe
Following his recent visit to the UK, Bishop Ishmael writes: Thank you sincerely for the wonderful time you afforded us... we will remember our two weeks with you for a long time...
Although it was thought that the building of Sts hospital should soon be underway, we had reckoned without the almost complete absence of petrol that is now the current situation in Zimbabwe. So it is with great delight that we have received reports and photos of the work going ahead. Bishop Ishmael explains: Fuel is still a major nightmare. It is just not available. We are actually surviving because we have decided to use part of our foreign currency to purchase fuel. We replace this with our Zimdollars. This is an internal system that is working wonderfully well. This is how we have kept the St Patrick's project going.
Constantine and Martha Mutikani from Redhill visited Zimbabwe in late July and were able to manage a visit to St Patricks on a very special day the Confirmation Service for 100 students from St Patricks High School. Constantine writes:
The church was full house with uniformed students and their teachers. Some of the school kids had been there since 6 am to reserve their ringside seats... At 12 noon when we thought it was time to go home, there was a second service for the village community. This service finished at 2 pm and we were taken for lunch.
We were then taken to the brick-making site for the new hospital. This was a very humbling experience. The community has volunteered to make the bricks. The youth had raised money for cement. The work is labour intensive, there is no machinery. They had already used up one kiln, the second was ready baked and the third was nearing completion. This was a community willing to work. They were not just waiting for handouts. I felt these chaps had a better purpose in life than I had.
Despite transport difficulties and general hardships of daily living, between 750 and 800 women gathered for the recent Mothers Union Conference. They brought with them their sewing handiwork and cassocks they had made for the clergy and contributions to the building work of the hospital and towards ordinands in training.
There has also been a fruitful and well-attended clergy conference, where yet again without prompting donations were made towards the hospital building, with some clergy instructing that amounts be deducted from their stipends.
The Diocese also hosted a Zimbabwe-wide youth conference at St Patricks High School. Bishop Ishmael reports that: Our young people were very well-behaved and exemplary to youths from other dioceses.
St Matthews in Mtapa, a township suburb of Gweru, has finally completed its huge new church building the biggest in the diocese. It has taken 15 years to complete, so the dedication on 15th October should have been quite a celebration!
The Rev Dr Jo White
has written a series of articles entitled Signs and Symbols about various
objects found in
and around churches (though not necessarily at
St Marys)
Sundials are thought to have been used to mark the passage of time from the very earliest man. As early as 3500 B.C. the Egyptians began building slender, tapering, four-sided obelisks which served as timepieces. The moving shadow of the obelisk formed a type of sundial, and markers arranged about the base separated the day into divisions as well as indicating the longest and shortest days of the year.
Have you ever noticed on a sundial that the shadow thrown by the stick, its proper name is a gnomon, only goes half-way round the circle, unlike the hands on a proper clock? As the sun only moves from east to west its shadow can only move in that one direction also, which will be therefore only be 180 degrees. (Whoops! - weve just gone back a few hundred years to when we thought the sun moved round the earth. Of course it doesnt really, it just appears like that.) The shadow will always move clockwise which is where we get that expression from.
Before mechanical clocks began to be commonly used in the fifteenth century many churches had a sundial on the wall to show when the Mass would take place. They were constructed differently and vary in form, size, detail and position in the many ways. But they all have a central hole in which the gnomon or style was fixed and from which lines, if any radiate. One line is usually marked better than the others the usual hour of the mass in that church.
In Medieval days the walls of churches were coated with a form of cement and lime washed both inside and out. Mass or Scratch dials were then painted in the scratched lines near the main door or the priest door at about four to five feet above the ground.
Since then many churches have had parts rebuilt or porches added, so the mass dial can end up almost anywhere inside the building, even on a north wall.
See if you can find a church with a Mass Dial. See how the Mass has the most important mark. If you could put another mark on it, what time of day would it be and why?
Ted was driving down the street in a panic because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up toward heaven, he said: "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up the whisky."
Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Ted gulped hard, and prayed again: Never mind, Lord. I found one."
Three weeks after her wedding day, Wendy called her minister. "Oh Reverend," she wailed, "Martin and I have had a horrible fight!"
"Calm down, my child," said the minister, "it's not half as bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its first fight!"
"I know, I know!" said Wendy. "But what am I going to do with the body?"